Gratitude

There are so many things to be grateful for in my life.  I have a loving husband and children and many friends that would help me out at a moments notice.

Too often, we get so busy in our lives that we forget to reflect and be grateful for what is right in front of us.  We need to really appreciate the little things.  The things that make us smile everyday.  They can be people, objects or even memories.  In the darkest of our hours, we need to be able to look at what is right in front of us, what is happening right now.  We can’t dwell on the past, it has happened.  We can learn from it and appreciate the lessons we learned from it.  We can’t focus on the tomorrows of our life, they have not happened yet and our energy can be wasted on the “what if’s”.  We need to live for today, tomorrow is never guaranteed to any of us.

One of my greatest memories of my past that I am grateful to have, is that of one of the teachers from my high school days.  He did not teach any of my classes, but he did teach me about enjoying today.  He taught me to appreciate my surroundings and myself.  I did not have a grand self-confidence.  As a matter of fact, I did not like myself at all.  This particular teacher believed that everybody was here to serve a purpose, none of us are here by accident.  He complimented me everyday, as well as all the other students.  Everyday, he said something to me that showed me I was worth being here.  He reminded me of one positive in my life everyday, even if that positive was just being able to get to school.  He did not single handedly change my image of myself, but he certainly played a big part of it.

That teacher passed away last week.  Something in me told me to check the obituaries of my home town and his was at the top of the page.  It was like I needed to see it to be reminded of just how grateful I am for my life.  I was feeling a bit down and feeling like I was no longer serving a purpose to anyone.  Remembering this man reminded me that I was too busy looking at what I cannot do, and not what I can.   It brought back some of my life’s greatest lessons, and I am so grateful for that.  Thank you Mr. Dove for once again showing me to be grateful for what is right in front of me, starting with the mirror.  You were a great educator and wonderful person and you will be missed by many.  You will also be remembered by the many students you inspired in your 33 year career.

I looked up the meaning of Dove today, and it was like he was born to bear the name.

If Dove has flown into your life;

She may be reminding you that in order to soar, you must know when to move your wings and when to allow the wind to take you to new heights. If you were to sit on a branch looking to the sky and hoping the wind will simply pick you up, you would never move. You must surrender and allow the wind support your wings. Get moving… and experience the exhilaration of flying higher and higher.

Alternatively Dove could be letting you know that you need to simply stop and take a few deep breaths. Let go of the turmoil that is currently surrounding you and find peace within you. Know that what you see right now is reality shifting in ways you never thought possible and that what you are truly looking for is just around the corner. The most chaos happens just before your dreams come true.

If Dove is your Spirit Animal Totem;

You are truly one of the most gentle and giving persons on the planet. You have a sense of innocence that attracts that attracts many people to you. You sometimes have difficulty with others as the tend to take advantage of your pacifistic ways and the calm and serenity that is natural to your being. You are a natural nurturer and make an excellent parent.

dove

Rest easy Mr. Dove, you have earned your wings.

Mother’s Day

Yes, that is right.  Mother’s Day is this Sunday.  As a mother, I never have an answer to the question, “What would you like?”  Really, I have what I need and desire.

26 years ago I would have told you I was never having children.  They were not in my future, neither was a husband for that matter.  My reasons we will save for another blog post.

Today, I am a mother and most days, I love it.  I love watching my children, two of whom are now technically adults, grow and learn.  I love watching them succeed, and I love when the come to me for advice.  It gives me purpose, it gives me the feeling that yes, motherhood was my calling.  From the moment I held my firstborn, I knew this was something I was meant to do.

My children are my world, and I would do anything for them.  I will defend them to the death if I know they are being wronged.  I am also the first one to question them if I suspect I am not getting the whole story.  I am pretty sure that is how it is supposed to be done.  Afterall, we are the ones that are to show and teach them to be responsible adults.  They cannot grow up thinking they have not made mistakes, and they certainly cannot learn without taking ownership of those mistakes.

Sure, I am not perfect, I know I have said and done things throughout this parenting journey that I regret.  My heart broke and breaks each time I see them hurting because of something I have said or done to them.  Some days, I am pretty sure I am the absolute worst parent on the face of the earth and do not deserve the title of mom.  Some days I believe my actions will harm them in some irreversible way.  Yet here I am, still being loved by them and still loving them.  They are still trying, failing and succeeding.  Just as I am as a mother.

I cannot say I learned these parenting tips and tricks by example.  My own mother had many trials in her years as a parent and she did what she had to in order to survive.  Some of her decisions were not in the best interest of her children, but made during a fight or flight situation.  She needed to survive and she truly believed some of her decisions were the best ones for my brothers and me.  No matter how much I was hurt by those decisions, I still loved her, she was my MOM.

As the years went on and I became a parent myself, I grew angry at my mother.  I felt hatred and anger for some of the things I went through as a child.  The difference was, I was no longer a child, and she was no longer in fight of flight mode.  We spoke daily and worked through the issues.  I told her how I felt about living in her shadows and trying my best to not be like her.  I told her that I would not raise my children as she did hers and that her choice was to support me and not criticize or advise me.  I wanted a relationship with my mother but I was not willing to sacrifice my children’s well-being at the expense of pleasing my own mother.  If she didn’t like it, she was given the opportunity to walk away.  As much as saying those words hurt me to say, I was now the mama bear and I had my own cubs to protect. I was terrified she would walk out of my life, I didn’t want her to, but I knew boundaries had to be set.

She decided she was sticking around.  We built on that and she was genuinely proud of me as a parent.  She told me she was amazed at the strength and patience I had as a mom and that I was doing a good job.  My children stopped crying when they found out they were going to Grandma’s house and they looked forward to her visits and us visiting her.  We repaired what was broken as mother and daughter and built a great relationship that would last until her last breath.  We spoke daily and she was always there in person or on the phone to support me and the kids when they needed it.  She came to the concerts and graduations and showed them how proud she was of them.  Our relationship turned into one that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

My mom might not have been the June Cleaver of moms, but she was mine.  She taught me things, not through example in the traditional sense, but they were lessons from her.  She apologized for her transgressions and I forgave her.  With that forgiveness I became a better mother to my children.  I let go of the pain of childhood and softened my heart to become a better person.  I will never forget my lessons, they made me the person I am today.

As I look around and read social media, it truly breaks my heart to see that some children can never look past their past and forgive.  They can only see the hurt they have and can never look at any kind of love that was there.  Some of these parents are doing for their children what needs to be done.  Children are hating their parents because they set rules and sought help for a child they saw slipping into a world that they knew could end tragically.  These children are blaming their parents for the decisions they are themselves making as adults and not taking any ownership for their actions.  Yet, the parents are still loving their children and still doing whatever they can to show their love.  Sometimes, that means sitting on the sidelines and waiting, for something that may never come, or may come at a gravesite for either one of them.  Please, if there is a chance for a relationship, take it.  If a discussion can still be had and ownership taken, take it.  Don’t let something that can be rebuilt fade away.  It may not be too late to work on it and it is not worth living a life of regrets and I should haves.

The following is a poem I wrote to my mom for Mother’s Day after she had passed away.  I am glad she and I had the chance to rebuild and love one another.  I can live my life knowing we worked it out.

To my mom.

Thank you for teaching me the lessons in life,

the easy ones and the hard ones.

Thank you for being all you could be,

even in your own times of despair.

Thank you for being honest,

even if I didn’t want to hear it.

Thank you for teaching me not to sweat the small stuff,

and teaching me that someone always has it harder.

Thank you for showing me money does not buy happiness,

that it is giving and receiving love that matters most.

Thank you for showing me grace and acceptance,

even in your final days.

Mom, I thank you for all the lessons,

but most of all, I thank you for your undying love.

A love you showed, even with your last words.

I thank God that he chose you to be my mom.

I am the person I am today because of all you taught me.

Thank you, for being my mom.

Miss you terribly, you are always in my heart.

Love you Always and Forever,

Wanda

Determination

Determination to do this.  To start again, and stay with blogging. To put all those thoughts racing in my mind down on paper.  There are so many, that some days are consumed with them and not a lot gets accomplished around here. Today I am inspired my my friend Irene to come back to this site.  Thank you Irene.   I am not going to promise you an interesting blog filled with excitement and daily adventures, I would have to leave my house more often for that to happen.  What I will give you is life , the struggles , joys and happenings as I see them and live them.  I will let you know what is on my mind, I will share with you some of my poetry and stories.  I will give you real life and real feeling.  I may even ocassionally rant about something going on in politics or my life, maybe more than occasional, lol.  I am going to give it my all and hope that I get some positive followers that are inspired by my words and maybe have a better day because of them.  Closing for now but I will be back

 

Still trying to figure this thing out.

I am sure by the end of the weekend I will have figured out how to arrange and place things on my blog.  Right now there is not a lot of time, but after next Wednesday I will have plenty of time to sit and read and post.  It really can’t be that hard.  Can it?  Well today is almost over and I am sure as I say that, I will be up until the wee hours still reading instructions, lol.

My poetry and writing

I am nothing special.  Nothing I have written has ever been published in a well known book or magazine.  It is my way of getting things out and healing or realizing my everyday gifts.  It is a great tool for me that I have used for many years.

Hello

I am going to try to start blogging again.  I plan on adding some of my poetry and writings on the blog as well as everyday happenings in my life and the lives of my family.  I find great healing and therapy in writing and would love to share my thoughts on this blog.